Battling the Past

Posted on Tue Jun 28th, 2022 @ 5:41am by Commander Antonia 'Tony" Stoffels
Edited on on Tue Jun 28th, 2022 @ 6:30am

Mission: The Lost Brother
Location: Various

The gym was quiet with only a few people focusing on their own workouts. As Soran walked over to one of the heavy punching bag. He began to fiercely attack the bag, he seemed to have an infinite amount of pent up frustration to release.

Tony needed a lot more methods to get rid of her stress and anxiety at the moment so she made her way to the gym for an extra session which would hopefully tire her out a little. When she entered in her work out clothes she saw Soran was already there and he seemed very hard at work. Instead of starting her own session she stood watching him for a while.

There was a creaking sound as the Angosian hammered the bag with his fists knees and even worked in some headbutts his routine. Some of the people had stopped their workouts and we're staring Soran as if he'd lost his mind. Soran was completely unaware of his surroundings and continued punishing the bag until it broke from ceiling mount and went crashing to the floor

"Wow poor bag." Tony said. Seeing his anger come out did wonders to cool down her own. "What did it ever do to you?"

Soran felt a little embarrassed seeing all eyes were on him, "As you were."

He picked the bag up off the floor and propped it against the wall, "I guess I don't know my own strength tonight."

Tony pushed her own problems away for a friend who obviously needed her. "Talk to me." She said as she sat down on the ground.

"Not here," he said, Noticing that the others in the gym were still listening.

"Ok." She came back to her feet. "My quarters or yours." Tony said. "And yes even the first officer has friends." She said loudly. "Deal with it."

"You really need to work on your command presence," Soran sighed and moved to the door.

"What's wrong with it?" Tony asked with a grin. This was certainly taking her mind off her own problems.

"I gave the order; as you were. With the understanding they would follow it. When the adults want to talk they take the conversation to another room." Soran explained. "That display made you look childish and takes away from your perceived authority."

"Whatever. I can't do anything right anyway today. And I am off duty. But let's concentrate on you. Your quarters then? They are closer."

"Your outburst also called more attention to my loss of control on the bag," Soran tone was even and controlled. " You are the closest thing I have to family on this ship so believe me when I say I want to help not hurt you. Captain Carey is a good man. He needs his officers to be respected by the crew; part of that is means we keep a level of control. The crew need to trust that we will keep them safe, that we know what we are doing. My display on that bag is going to be the talk of the ensigns for some time, I wanted to exit quietly to avoid any further loss of face."

"Oh." Suddenly the tears threatened to come. Everything was going wrong today. she had yelled and cursed at her captain, pulled off duty and now while she was trying to help she had hurt her only friend. "I am sorry. Look I will leave you be." The last thing she wanted was for him to see her tears right now.

"No, I think you need a friend right now," he said.

He activated the lift and the doors opened on the officer quarters deck.

"I'm fine." It came out as a half sob to her terror. It felt like her whole world was crashing down.

"Come on," he said and quickly got her into his quarters.

"People will start to talk." She mumbled feeling a hysterical fit of giggles coming up.

"The longer you hold back the saltwater the worse it is when the Levee breaks." Soran quoted the old maxim of his people.

Once the door closed she just leaned into him and let both the laughs and the tears out. Gods he must think her absolutely batshit crazy. "I .... was .... here to ... comfort you." She managed to get out between sobs.

He held her for a moment, "we'll comfort each other."

He helped her to a chair and went to the kitchenette and brought back tea.

Now that she had started the tears just would not stop. "Thank you." She managed between sniffs. "Sorry."

"You need a place to shed your tears," Soran said.

"Yeah. The captain benched me." She said wiping her eyes. "And I am afraid I used some bad language after that."

"Did the Captain say why he didn't want you involved?" Soran asked.

"He thinks I will tire myself out if I help with the prep for the mission. He thinks that stewing in my quarters will be better for me. I know my brother and I know two of the other oficers that are missing. I am a vital part in the preperation." She felt herself get angry all over again.

"He doesn't want you to sit in your quarters and stew," Soran stated. "Starfleet's search and rescue protocols are quite thorough and impressive, they can prep this mission without you input. You need to be calm and rational once the search begins, to give your insight."

"Well this is not the way to get me calm and rational. It really really isn't the way to get me calm. I am his effing first officer." Her voice rose again.

"Captain's first duty is to the mission, sometimes that means leaving people to sort themselves out." Soran eyed her, he'd never seen her so distraught. "This part of command can seem cold and I'm caring at times but I assure you it's the opposite."

"Why are you taking his side! I thought you at least were my friend." She came to her feet again ready to leave.

"Friends tell each other the truth." Soran shrugged. "You asked me about the captain's motivations."

"I came for comfort, Ren."

"Tony," he paused. "I love you, but you've come to one of the most blunt and emotionally stunted men on this ship for comfort. I'm doing my best here."

"You are not emotionally stunted. We have had deep conversations in the past, or we would not have become friends. But it does not help to hear you say the captain is right and I am wrong. I need someone to be on my side for once."

"You're putting me into an impossible position Tony," Soran was beginning to lose his patience. "This isn't about sides or who's right and wrong. When I told you that a commander has to be a commander first a friend second it wasn't a dig. It's a difficult truth of command. I don't know if I'd make the same decision in Carey's position but I don't think he's wrong. I can see your view as well, I'd be ficking pissed too. And I hope someone would help me get some perspective on it."

Tony could see that he was losing his patience with her. "I see. I won't bother you any longer." She was sure that in a few hours she would see his point of view. But right now she was raw and hurting and not thinking straight.

Soran stepped in front of the door, "I'm sorry that you're not ready to hear my thoughts on the burden of command. I'd like you to stay, At least until I'm confident that you're not going to do something stupid that would destroy your career."

"what else can I do to my career? Maybe I should just go back to counselling. Half the time I don't know what I am doing and I am scared someone is going to find out. My previous captain thought me nothing useful. Just how to doubt myself in a command position. I think he once had a run in with my dad that did not end well and he was getting his own back by humiliating me."

"Sounds like we're both trying to move toward with one foot stuck in the past." Soran said. "Just because our last commanders were assholes doesn't mean we're going to face the same thing here."

"Yours too then?" She managed a small smile. "Remember I came to listen to your problems. Not you to mine."

"You would think anyone related to CJ would be as easy going as he is, but his cousin was a tight ass and the first officer. The captain wasn't an unfair woman but she had no intention of raining her XO." He sighed, "He has a problem the my military background; He didn't think a soldier belonged on a medical ship. He actually became more insufferable once he discovered I was a fully trained battlefield medic."

"Oh dear. Maybe we can heal each other. And you can teach me how to be a command officer? Do you think I can do it?" He knew her better than anyone else on the ship.

"Yes, there are things about command that will be difficult for you. " Soran paused. "I think you can learn."

"Thank you. I really want to give it a try. To see if I can do it, you know."

"You will need a safe place to express your emotions and that is rarely in front of the crew." Soran explained, "the crew need to see us as in control. Of ourselves and the ship, my will always be open. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a friend than a therapist."

"I am talking to a therapist. Sky and I are helping each other. Not ideal and normally I would never do it that way. But we both need to unburden. She needs to deal with what happened. But I could do with a friend. And maybe a mentor?" She looked up at him.

"I'll help in any way I can," he smiled.

"Thank you." She leaned in for another hug. "You have helped me today. Can I do more for you right now?"

Soran shook his head, "It's like a switch got flipped in my brain! My memories keep coming to the front of my mind and sometimes I feel like I'm back in a war zone. The Carey didn't say so but I think he brought me here from my battle experience. If I don't get a handle on this she's gonna get more than he bargained for.

"Whoa. That does not sound good, Ren. You think you might influence her more? And you are reliving your battle experience through what happened with Sky?"

"I wouldn't say reliving, I still know I am and that I'm not in that hell. Reliving happens in nightmares," He stared at the floor. "Talking to Sky sounds like she had a front row seat to my memories. She saw more than I've ever planned to tell anyone."

"In that case are you alright with her sharing with me. Patient to therapist. She needs to process what happened not only with you. And I know some of it already from our work together."

He nodded, "It's not pretty. I'm not sure how Sky can look at me the same way after seeing into my head."

"But she does. So she understands none of it was your fault." Tony said gently. "it was done to you. All of it. That you have come out the compasionate kind friend that I know is a testament to your strength."

Soran paused, she had no idea what she was talking about. "You can't know what this is like."

"No I can't." She said honestly. " I can't feel what it is like as if I have lived through it. But don't think that because I am a high officer's brat I have not seen things in my life. I grew up with family and friends suffering from trauma. And I have treated enough trauma victims to have a better idea than most. And I have seen a lot of men and women come out of it a lot worse then you."

"Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here? More than half my friends are dead." The Angosian said. "What right do I have to be here?!"

"You survived. You get your life to live to try to be happy. Would it make them happy if you threw that away? I think they would be cheering you on to make something of this gift you have been given."

"Everything was going fine before things got hot with the Klingons." He closed his eyes. "I ended up in the middle of carnage again. I part me doesn't want to do this anymore, but I know I'm one of the few that can."

She gently touched his arm. "You come first, Ren. If you can't do it anymore you have to stop."

He took Tony's hand, "A wise man once said; 'the truth will set you free, when it's done with you."

"Stand behind me, I'll protect you.
Stand fight beside me, I'll respect you.
Stand against me I will end you."

He looked Tony in the eye, "That has been my credo since I was young and it's not done with me even when I want to be done with it. I don't know any other way to explain it, I can't quit. There are too many people that need me and the violence I bring."

She nodded. "In that case Sky and I will support you so that you can continue but also continue to be sane. I like you sane."

Soran nodded, "I it's good we're working together again."

"I've missed you." Tony admitted.