After this mission

Posted on Fri Jun 10th, 2022 @ 7:09am by Captain Xavier Carey & Commander Antonia 'Tony" Stoffels

Mission: The Lost Brother
Location: XOs office
Timeline: Current

Xavier paused before entering her office, or even pressing the chime for that matter. He messed up. His former had told him would happen from time to time. It didn't take him long to find his first one. Finally he rang the chime.

"Enter!" Tony called out.

"Commander, moment of your time." Xavier asked as he entered.

"Yes sir, of course." Tony said. "Please have a seat."

Sitting down. "I've made my first mistake as Commanding Officer of this ship, I let my personal feelings override the needs of the crew. The ships CO first duty is to the ship and its crew. I basically abandonned that when I left the bridge. Sky would have been able to go over... battles dont end when medical emergencies happen."

"Oh? When?" Tony was surprised. "And am I your Xo right now or your therapist?"

"I guess my Therapist." Xavier sat, "I left the bridge in the middle of a drill because of a medical emergency, sure it wasnt a battle, but the ships CO fIRST

"But you had me to take over." Tony said. "We are a team right? I thought you trusted me to finish up. I told you to go to Tal. And what you did was only human."

"i did, which I believe that is why I did what i did do." He agreed. "my old CO informed me that whether its a drill or not the ship comes first."

"Bullshit." Tony stated. "Then he is an idiot. When you have someone who can take over from you then you should take care of personal matters first. You would not be thinking clearheaded if you did. Or did you not trust me to do a good job?"

"He isn't a family man, hes strictly to the book, hes a big, needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the one kinda guy."

"Don't believe it. My father and most other high ranking officers I know would back me up. Trust me." She said gently. "Or is this because I did such a poor job up there. You should tell me you know."

"The ship is in one piece, no one died, only ones in medical, and that is on me. How did you do a poor job."

"Sir I did not have a clue what I was doing. All I could do was hope and pray the other bridge officers knew theirs. I just tried to look calm and prayed." Tony admitted.

"Ever hear of the term fake it til you make it. If you look calm and collected, the crew will take your lead. Same goes if you panick."

"And how did I appear?" Tony asked nervous.

"Like you knew what you were doing for the most part." Xavier commented. "If people didnt know, they wouldn't have suspected it was your first big happenstance."

She exhaled. "Thank you, sir. I was very worried I had let you down. And again you did not let me down by looking after your wife. You would have let me down if you didn't."

Xavier smiled, "Ain't ever going to happen."

She smiled. "Sooooo now that you are here anyway, you never came in for those therapy sessions you promised to undergo."

"To be fair, I never indicated when those sessions would be..." he replied almost sheepishly.

"Hmmm you promised Sky you would do it. And admiral Parri."

"Did not break it, I am here am I not."

She snorted. "You came for something else. But now that you are here and I have time let's dive in shall we." She gestured to the area with the easy chairs.

Standing he turned and sat down on the seat a foot away. "Technicality nothing more."

"What do you mean by that?" Tony had followed him and sat down in the other chair.

"Oh was just saying it was nothing more than a technicality."

"Ok. So where would you like us to start." Tony took a few seconds to shift into her other role.

"I am unsure, where did we leave off."

"It's been a while." Tony said. "I think we were going to talk about your previous mission and how you are pushing your feelings about that away."

Pausing, "Sure. That sounds about right."

"And?" Tony tried to hide a smile.

"And... ive been trying not to push them away."

"A good start. How does that make you feel? Letting the feelings in?"

"Not in control..."

"How does that affect you? Because it is not obvious to your officers and crew."

"Uncomfortable, i am always in control."

She nodded. "What is the worst that could happen?"

"KNocking out m y wife."

"Was that your fault?"

"Absolutely, I intentionally sent over a several cannisters of the chemical."

"Did you know that would hurt her before you did so?"

"Whether i did or did not does not matter."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "What happened was outside of your control, Xavier."

"I do understand that, but, still doesnt make it feel better."

"Yes I understand that." Tony nodded her head. Something like that would be hard for her as well. "Are you ready to talk about your feelings regarding that last mission." She just checked that she had a box of tissues at hand.

Noticing her look around for what he could only assume was wipes. "Im not crying, ill talk about feelings, but i won't cry."

"There is no shame in crying, Xavier. In letting the emotions out."

"One last 'gift' i have left over from my father I guess."

"Do you ever cry?" She asked softly leaning forward.

"Do not recall the last time."

"And how do you process grief?"

"Sparring with Tal."

"That actually sounds like a good way to vent. How often do you do this?"

"Almost as frequent as our... other activities."

Tony kept herself from snorting. "Need to regulate a lot of emotions then?"

"Apparent, any suggestions?"

"Well. What you are doing is a start. But it is a proven fact that talking about it helps you work through them better. To find closure. What we did years ago did help you."

"I know it did" He replied. "But i didnt cry then either."

"So it was the talking that helped then right? Because you were doing so much better when you stopped being my patient."

Nodding, "And the right person. If you recall. There were several others that tried to assist, and wrote me off."

"I never write anybody off, you know that. But you have to trust me as well. I know you did in the past. You know that talking will at first make it seem worse but in the end it helps. By talking your brain processes the trauma and in time it will bother you less."

"Not like the making it feel worse part." Xavier replied. Truth be told he wasn't looking forward reliving it in his head, even talking about it feared him.

'You know I am honest." She hesitated. "And you know I wanted to do it before we started on the mission. I am not sure if now is the right time. It may now be wise to wait until after this mission." There was the chance that she would fall apart and one of them had to keep functioning.

Xavier nodded. "So after we finish the mission it is."